Wouldn't it be nice if the world was flat? That way we could just push off the people we don't like.
Most people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them.
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you're swimming and when you're angry.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just try missing a couple of payments.
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
I'm writing my book in fifth person, so ?every sentence starts out with: I heard from this guy who told somebody
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
A Canadian psychologist is ?selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog ?is
smarter than you.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Hate to break it to you, ?Facebook, but the entire Internet ?is already a Dislike button.
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have ?a huge clock right in the middle ?of the town.
Here's some advice: At a job ?interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does.
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
Whoever named ?it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.
I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but
pulling them out of my leg was.
Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.
She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up.
To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.?
I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: I've moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock n roll,
and I love music, but it's nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I'm treated like a normal person.
There's no I in denial.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same
asshole your father was.
We can't be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you're a lady, and I'm a gentleman, I'll shave mine off.
She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can't believe her, even if I could believe her.
When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, Thanks for being a fan. Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.
I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.
A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.
From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).
Don't try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
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